'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
