He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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