i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Randomize
