Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
