using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
