I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i drank out of a bidet.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
