I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
