think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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