she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
