Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
