I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
