I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
