I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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