you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
