i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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