The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
