I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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