Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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