If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
