My Higher Power is John Stamos
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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