I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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