Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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