Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
