ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
