i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi