at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.