i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
