I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
