8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
