____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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