Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
