i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
