Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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