When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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