I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
