I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
