i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
