JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
