Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
