Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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