hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
