Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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