My hand turned me down
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize