apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
