I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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