Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
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I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need to calm my uterus...