He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
