mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
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I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
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NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning