It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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