Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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