oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Congratulations! We have a period
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
