I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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