the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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