Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
