So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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