Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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