he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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