Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
