Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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