So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
